Yes, yes I know - no one is reading this because I haven't written anything for so long. I am, in fact, talking to myself. I'm not sure why, except that my Dad said I should continue my blog because its 'good for me'. So, though I have a sneaking suspicion that it may be 'good for me' in the way that All Bran and exercise are, here I am.
Its now October 2013. In other words, its two years since I left America. Two years since I left my husband. Six months, almost, since I had any communication with him. People say to me 'it seems like you never went to America' - a statement I find really strange, because I feel like I've been gone forever, and my life has changed beyond recognition.
The trouble is, it doesn't appear to have. I live in the same place I lived before I moved. My family deals with things by not dealing with them. The difference is, I have found out some things I always suspected, but put down to my paranoia, are true. I have found out that though I had a difficult relationship with my mother, she was the one the held the family together and without her, we have little to hold us together. I have learned that certain people don't know me, and probably never will, as they won't talk about anything that doesn't fit in their little boxes.
In all of this I found out something else
ITS NOT MY FAULT.
It is not my fault that I found what I did on the computer.
It is not my fault it took me some time to react - I was accusing my husband! Don't you think I wanted to be sure? Don't you think I wanted it not to be true, that the person I loved would do this?
It is not my fault that certain people cannot deal with it, and show a lack of compassion towards me.
It is not my fault that I now have a disability which means I cannot, at the moment, work, because after two hours I have to lie down.
It doesn't seem like a long time that I have been here - it all feels like it happened yesterday, and while a good part of that is down to the nature of why I left, which will stay with me forever, an even bigger part is down to those surrounding me.- their lack of support, their lack of compassion, their lack of what they claim to believe.
I do believe in God. I believe in Jesus Christ, that He died for me, and that He is living today. I could very easily look at my experience and say I am done with all that - in fact I do, but I say it to God, and saying 'I don't believe in this!' to the Person you're not believing in? Well...doesn't really work , does it?! My struggle, I guess, is what that means in practical terms. I am still working that out.
Until then, I will put one foot in front of the other ....
Ruth x
i believe this is a good thing you have written. and the most important is to still put one foot in front of the other and take things one day at a time and if one day it too big to deal with take it one hour at a time. life is complicated. hang in there my friend. sending love and blessing to you. :) as always Melinda
ReplyDeleteThanks Mel, I hope that maybe writing it will make someone else feel they are not alone - it is very hard to find help for my particular situation because no one talks about it. I remember being scared to even look for something someone else had written, never mind write myself, in case it was found that I had. I still want to delete this as soon as I've written it! So thanks for affirming! x
ReplyDeleteYes Ruth, put one foot in front of the other and everytime you look around you'll see that Daddy is only one set of footprints behind
ReplyDeleteWow, my Heavenly Father carrying me and my earthly Daddy following me, can't go wrong really can I?! : )
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