Love & Loss

...A selection of my poems about love and loss, and the journey in between.....












Goodbye


Thank you for understanding
And the wish that I'll be well,
I wish that you would scream and swear
And tell me 'go to hell',
Instead all we are left with 
Is each others pain and tears,
The confusion of the moments
That were good in seven years
Inside of me a part of you
Will always still remain,
It hurt to take the ring off
That you gave me on the train,
I'm sorry, and I love you,
And I hate that we are here,
But I know that if I should return,
I'd always live in fear,
I need love and understanding,
And a spirit that is free,
I must go and find the life now
Which I know is mean't for me,
I hope that you will do the same,
And not just fall apart,
But I cannot take on all the blame
For both our broken hearts,
I could do what you want me to do
But, slowly, I would die,
So, though I'm being torn in two,
I have to say goodbye.

A Mewin’ Christmas Card

Dear Parsnip, the best little cat that I knew

I’m sorry I couldn’t spend Christmas with you

Sometimes in the human world things can go bad

And for others around them it gets very sad,

I know you are loved and have reason to purr,

There still will be tuna and strokes to your fur,

I know that it could be a slippery slope,

But theres always the catnip, on days you can’t cope.

For me, I use chocolate and time with my friends

When the tunnel is dark, and I can’t see the end,

I know as a kitty, perhaps you don’t pray,

But God made you as well, at the end of the day,

So I ask him to keep you in every day care,

To give you a cuddle now I can’t be there,

To notice when you jump right up on the doors

And to watch you come down with a round of applause,

I’m sorry I left you not knowing I’d gone,

You thought I’d gone out and I wouldn’t be long,

I will miss you wherever I am in the world,

Please believe Mommy loves you, my best little girl.

Another Christmas Eve

Last year I remember 

How I wrote a Christmas rhyme,

Cold New England in December,

Now forever my last time,

Snow drifts piling on the sidewalk,

Worship team rehearsing hard,

Going through the church directory

Writing all those Christmas cards,

Missing all my friends and family,

And thinking of my home,

Wondering if my nephews knew me

As they chatted on the phone,

Midnight ,Mass with Claire and Sarah,

All the lights in Romsey too,

So I wonder why, now I am here, 

I've started missing you?

The trees and decorations, 

Will they all be used again?

Will you stay at home alone

And be brought dinner by a friend?

Will you spend the day in anger 

That this year I took away

All the happiness of Christmas?

Was there any other way?

Will you buy the cat a present

Filled with catnip for a treat?

Will she get a can of tuna?

Its her favourite thing to eat...

I don't wish that I was there,

But still, I wish you nothing bad,

And I pray for both of us

That one day Christmas won't be sad.

I'll be there at Midnight Mass this time

The Romsey lights I'll see,

And I'll pause to light a candle

For a life that cannot be,

I will sing about my Saviour,

And I'll send a prayer for you

That somehow He'll reach down and heal,

As only He can do,

I cannot be the one to give

The gift you'd like to see,

I had to choose to live again,

And give that gift to me,

One day I hope we both can see

Beyond the haze of pain,

And smile as we recall a ring,

A question, and a train.

Happy Christmas, dear New England,

Let the eggnog lattes flow,

Little Cadles in their snow boots,

With their faces all aglow,

I wish Angie happy baking,

Kim, a zumbatastic time,

Jon, I pray for every chord you play

To honour the Divine,

Terry, you are in my heart and soul,

From here I hold your hand,

As we contemplate the mystery 

Of God's eternal plan,

Though we look down in confusion

Let us look up and believe

In the love that we remember

On another Christmas Eve.

Missing You

I'm just supposed to understand

That this is what must be,

The sad and lonely aftermath

Of what was you and me,

I know that there are reasons,

And for now, I am alone

For my sanity and safety,

But I don't feel I am home.

Perhaps the price to pay for this

Is never knowing who

I am, here with my family,

Or over there with you,

I've gone over every reason why

I know why I am here,

I also know I love you

And I'll shed a million tears

Over pictures, songs and special days

For longer than you know,

I had to make the choice I did,

But wish it wasn't so.

Tonight I wish with all my heart

That none of this was true,

I want to run back to your arms

And say I'm missing you.

Three Words

I learned again today

That hearts already torn and broken

Can shatter into pieces

Every time three words are spoken,

I wish that I could just pretend

That nobody is there,

I know you would have said them

Years ago, if you had cared,

I can cope with drunken emails

Because I can hate you then,

And the anger gives me energy 

To live my life again,

So much harder now to bear

Is just a simple 'I miss you'

Because though you and I can never be,

I miss you too.

A Perfect Valentine's Day

A beautiful ocean

A stretch of white sand

The sun shining down on me,

Cocktail in hand,

With nobody near me

And nothing to say

Thats what I want

For my Valentine's Day.

No horrors from Hallmark

No cards full of lies,

No flowers and hearts

Every store I go by

No sweet loving couples

To get in my way,

Thats what I want 

For my Valentine's Day.

No tactless remarks

About what I have lost

No things that remind me

Of what it has cost

To take back a life

That was taken away,

Thats what I want 

For my Valentine's Day.

No words that are spoken

So gentle and mild

Bemoaning the lack

Of another Grandchild,

No one to remind me

The price that I pay,

That's what I want 

For my Valentine's Day.

For those that I love

To believe that I do,

For those who have hurt me

To see what is true,

For my life to be real,

Not a role that I play,

Thats what I want 

For my Valentine's Day.

For grace to accept

Until trouble relents,

For peace to be still 

And know God is my strength

To hold on to hope,

To remember to pray,

That's what I want

For my Valentine's Day.

A beautiful ocean

A stretch of white sand,

The sun shining down on me, 

Cocktail in hand,

With nobody near me

And nothing to say,

That would be perfect

For Valentine's Day.

True Love (Lovers Cascade)

No longer deceptive words ever believing,

A lover unwanted, her freedom awaiting,

Shes always abandoned, love ever deceiving,

The people surrounding are coldly debating,

Yet somehow arriving at other conclusions,

They never remember her loving demeanour,

Cold people judgemental, their heartless delusions

Will corrupt memory, be painful forever.

Yet freely committed, she offered devotion,

And giving, believing, true feeling desiring,

Those actions sincerely still standing, emotion

Though sadly devalued, is always inspiring.

A hearts broken abandonment isn't enough

To deny what is true of her genuine love.

Journey to Leave

Too much

Today

Now I am done

I tried

But his

Betrayal comes

My life

My hope

Began with him

Now I

Come home

Confused within

In love

Ignored

Degraded too

I take

His shame

Yet love was true

This trip 

The lie

That was our song

Is now

Reduced

Relinquished, gone

Adored 

As much 

Now must I hate?

I won't 

Lie down

Live with his state

Journey

Just ends

For me in tears

He stole

A life

All seven years.

Words

Words that I say disappear into air

Standing before you, I'm not even there

I speak a word, I have spoken a lie

You see me as weak, because you made me cry.

You live with conviction, all I have is moods,

I cause all the friction, its nothing you do,

You speak of your troubles, much greater than mine,

You'll love me, if I just pretend I am fine.

It must be so nice to be perfect and right

To pass down your judgement while watching me fight

To ignore your betrayal and get through a day

But thats just my perception, I'm stupid that way.

You ignorant, self righteous, cold hearted people

You look down at me, sitting under your steeples,

The perfect example of mercy and love,

Handing down all your wisdom that comes from above

I don't recognise God in the things that you say

My God said that He was the light and the way,

He said he was close to the broken and sad

That no condemnation in Him would be had

Despite what you think, I am living in Him

He has covered with healing the things you call sin,

I may be rejected, but I'm not alone,

While you talk about me, why not confess your own?

I will pray for you too, I won't live in a way

That carries resentment through all of my days,

I want my life to show there are more ways to be

From this pain, I will love - unlike you, I am free.

Cemetery Thoughts

Now before me all arrayed

Stones of every different hue

Different histories displayed

Something that I learned from you,

Art engraved from other times

Souls who took their journey home,

Strangely comforting to mine

As I sit here on my own

Some my reverie would scorn

Sitting in a place of loss

On the day that you were born

Thinking of the pain, the cost,

But for me it brings a peace

To remember this your way,

Just to let the struggle cease

Take a moment for the day

Anger, love and pain reside

In my heart at once, all three,

Even as I write I cry

For the loss of you and me,

Freezing cold and photographs

Walking round another mile,

Little moments from the past,

Who'd have thought they'd make me smile?

So in the soft tranquility

To us, a most familiar scene,

Surrounded by the history

By stone and flower, grey and green,

I take a moment, close my eyes,

Let hurt and sorrow fade away

And carry you to God again

On this, your first creation day.

Myriad Stars

Imagine

Waking to a sunrise

Bringing your light into my darkness

Reviving

All that seems to have died

Into flowering colour and life

An ocean

To discover its depth

Without thought for protecting your heart

For always

You are myriad stars

In my sky, and the sun in my night.

Wedding Day

Once there was a morning

When I woke up to the sun

Seeing everything in colour

A new life had just begun

Quite the centre of attention

Looking beautiful in white

With my Mother's own tiara

Sure to keep my ring in sight

Then its time for hair and make up

Like a movie set, for sure

A car arriving just for me

To take me to the door

White roses mixed with purple

Everybody taking part

As I looked beyond my veil to one

For whom I'd saved my heart

I looked at him and took his hand

And as we said the words

Believing that my love would stand, 

His love for me I heard

I saw his lip was trembling

Only time I saw him cry

I promised then to stay with him

Until we both would die.

It would be easy now

To not believe in anything

The love we felt, the life we shared

The song our friend did sing,

But part of me will always keep,

Quite separate from the pain

A memory of him and me

There on our Wedding Day.

Treasures Held

I had to leave my love behind

He's in a land so far away

My life, it has been so unkind

And yet, I can't regret the day

Whatever hurts have gone before

Of me, they'll always be a part

The briefest glimpse of love I had

I'll hold forever in my heart.