What do I write, when I can't write?

....is there anything more frustrating than feeling the need to write, but not knowing what to write about? Yes, OK, there probably is, but bear with me!

For the last few days, my depression has struck - the clinical, 'comes down like a curtain and throws you into a black hole covered with glass that you bang on and scream at but nobody hears or sees you' type of depression. When I am in this state, I try to explain it to those around me - oh, hang on, THATS the thing thats more frustrating!

If I lived alone, I guess I would hide until I feel better. Because I live with my family, I try to give them an idea so that they know its not them. This, however, is easier said than done. I go downstairs, with the intention of getting out the words, and someone says 'what are you looking so happy about?'  I burst into tears and run upstairs. Generally it doesn't go well. The trouble is, when you have a mental health problem, people who don't understand or have much experience of these things think you're...well...mental! People think that depression is a 'bad mood', that you have it because 'you're that sort of person', that you can 'pull yourself together' and the more you try and explain it, the more you sound like a mad woman anyway! It doesn't help that you are looking for confirmation yourself that you are not crazy.

Probably the most hurtful response is the one that can sometimes come from Christians. They are my people, my brothers and sisters, and it is painful to know that there are those who think it is because I do not have enough faith, or because I am not listening to God. Thankfully, there are also those who do understand. I have the same faith as all of them - sometimes strong, sometimes weaker, sometimes having to confess my failures to God - not perfect, but trusting Him. Actually, depression REALLY gives you a lesson in how to hang on to God when you see absolutely nothing but darkness - and it really shows you that when you can't hold on any longer, He holds on to you.

So be patient with me while I come out of the fog. It may not look like I am doing anything at this time, but the smallest thing - getting up, getting dressed, coming out to church or just walking up the shops - is a victory. Please understand that it is part of the illness that I cannot see any hope, any light beyond this space - but that it can help to remind me of that, because a small part of me stands outside and watches and says 'its OK, it will pass, thats just a symptom'.

The following is a poem I wrote after a friend killed himself. I completely understood why, but my overwhelming feeling on the day was that if he could have just waited one more day, maybe ....

So I will wait, and I will cast my anxiety on God, because He cares for me.  (1 Peter 5 v 7)      

Ruth x


To Live

New days will begin 
I will wait for tomorrow
Just another minute more

I could give up now
But maybe this is the day
When I start to smile again

What if I missed it?
I would never know the joy
Of being free from despair

I wish you had known
That there was a tomorrow
If only you had waited

I promised myself
To remember this for you
To wait for the smile, and live.