This morning, I had my first bagel for eight months. My taste apparently has not changed - onion with chive. Of course, if I could get hold of an Asiago bagel and some Willow Tree Chicken Salad.....
...excuse me, I need to take a moment.....
Since I have returned to England, there have been things I could not buy or eat, because they just triggered too many memories of being in New England. I would see these things in the shops, pause for a moment and walk on by. Peanut Butter, Reeses Cups, bagels, chowder. I wonder if it is a sign of healing that I have started to include these things again? The other day, I bought some Reeses Cups. I am back on the crunchy peanut butter. A bagel for breakfast today.
Of course there are things I cannot get here, just as there were English things I missed in America. Nobody can live in New England for more than five minutes without developing a Dunkin' Donuts coffee addiction, but I have returned to Starbucks, my first love, and have a loyalty card for Caffe Nero. My Coolatta cravings are somewhat assuaged by Shakeaways. I have continued to cook Mexican food, and find myself looking for Portuguese bread in the supermarket! I have found a UK website for Dreamfields Pasta.
One day, when I know I will be able to see the places I lived without being in too much pain to enjoy them, I will visit New England. I will eat clam chowder, buy a Dunkin' iced hazelnut, walk along Boston Harbor and take the trip over on the boat to Salem. I will go whale watching from P-Town, and see the fall colours in Vermont and New Hampshire, in all their glory.
I will hug my friends.
And one day, over here, I will be able to walk through Asda without stopping at the Ben & Jerry's ice cream and crying.
Ruth x
Saturday 9 June 2012
Friday 8 June 2012
Finding the Shiny...
When I came back to England, I expected it to be hard. I was leaving my marriage, and the reasons why I was leaving were not easy ones to share with the people who mattered. A friend who has been through a similar experience said to me recently, 'in these situations, Christians are the worst.' I had to agree. I didn't WANT to agree, but this too is my experience. Both she and I are Christians, but it is the sad truth that sometimes, in the church, we shoot our wounded.
As a result, one function of this blog is for me to have a voice in a situation where I feel I have been judged and misunderstood, or where assumptions have been made by those who didn't bother to speak to me first. (And God bless you, the dear, well meaning lady who called to let me know that I 'don't believe in repentance and forgiveness' while I was trying to work out how to survive another day!) Even as I write, I am aware that there are others who will not like me blogging about it. But I am a writer, that is how I express myself, and while, to a point, this probably is a load of self indulgent twaddle, it is also my hope that someone else may read it and not feel alone. Because I want them to know that being quick to condemn and to gossip and to hurt those who have already had their lives turned upside down - that is not God. It is not even most of the Church. But it is so hard, when you have been treated like that, to get past the fear of trusting again.
But we have to. I am an emotional, creative person - I feel things very deeply, I react dramatically, I love passionately and I forgive wholeheartedly, with a big dose of God's grace to help me. I am sometimes a mess, but I would rather be the way God made me than become someone who is so wrapped up in what was done to them that they never trust, never forgive, never cry or feel compassion, never let anyone in again. I never want to be so self absorbed by my own pain that I cannot comfort others.
So I will trust again, and love again, and be open to others, and hear the words of those who may not understand through the filter of my merciful God, because I know that He truly knows my heart. And in doing so I know I will find those who shine with the love of Jesus without even knowing it!.
As a result, one function of this blog is for me to have a voice in a situation where I feel I have been judged and misunderstood, or where assumptions have been made by those who didn't bother to speak to me first. (And God bless you, the dear, well meaning lady who called to let me know that I 'don't believe in repentance and forgiveness' while I was trying to work out how to survive another day!) Even as I write, I am aware that there are others who will not like me blogging about it. But I am a writer, that is how I express myself, and while, to a point, this probably is a load of self indulgent twaddle, it is also my hope that someone else may read it and not feel alone. Because I want them to know that being quick to condemn and to gossip and to hurt those who have already had their lives turned upside down - that is not God. It is not even most of the Church. But it is so hard, when you have been treated like that, to get past the fear of trusting again.
But we have to. I am an emotional, creative person - I feel things very deeply, I react dramatically, I love passionately and I forgive wholeheartedly, with a big dose of God's grace to help me. I am sometimes a mess, but I would rather be the way God made me than become someone who is so wrapped up in what was done to them that they never trust, never forgive, never cry or feel compassion, never let anyone in again. I never want to be so self absorbed by my own pain that I cannot comfort others.
So I will trust again, and love again, and be open to others, and hear the words of those who may not understand through the filter of my merciful God, because I know that He truly knows my heart. And in doing so I know I will find those who shine with the love of Jesus without even knowing it!.
Thursday 7 June 2012
Good Quacking to you all....
Welcome to Nofinch Quackbury. Those of you who know me will already be aware of the Ducks, Finches, Fruitbats, Unicorns and even the occasional Snurglehounds that live in my world. For those who don't know, Nofinch Quackbury is a village in the land of Quackonia. Many Duckage live happily there, on the whole, as long as they don't have any trouble (alas, it does happen!) from the Finches of Chirpit Tweeton.
I spend much of my time in this alternative (or real?) universe, writing of and drawing those characters who live in this world, and one purpose of this blog is to introduce you to my friends there.
The other purpose? To introduce you to me, and the rest of my poetry. I write from experience, through the filter of my Christian faith, my background, my sense of humour .....I hope that the funny poems will brighten your day, that the poems of faith will strengthen or challenge yours, and that (perhaps closest to my heart) the poems that were born of pain and struggle will enable those going thtough similar things to find a voice, and to know they are not alone.
The site is, as you can see, a work in progress. On the right of this page you will find links to categories of my poetry. Please feel free to post comments at the end of the pages, either general thoughts or something about a specific poem.
The Duckage thank you for visiting......
Ruth
Welcome to Nofinch Quackbury. Those of you who know me will already be aware of the Ducks, Finches, Fruitbats, Unicorns and even the occasional Snurglehounds that live in my world. For those who don't know, Nofinch Quackbury is a village in the land of Quackonia. Many Duckage live happily there, on the whole, as long as they don't have any trouble (alas, it does happen!) from the Finches of Chirpit Tweeton.
I spend much of my time in this alternative (or real?) universe, writing of and drawing those characters who live in this world, and one purpose of this blog is to introduce you to my friends there.
The other purpose? To introduce you to me, and the rest of my poetry. I write from experience, through the filter of my Christian faith, my background, my sense of humour .....I hope that the funny poems will brighten your day, that the poems of faith will strengthen or challenge yours, and that (perhaps closest to my heart) the poems that were born of pain and struggle will enable those going thtough similar things to find a voice, and to know they are not alone.
The site is, as you can see, a work in progress. On the right of this page you will find links to categories of my poetry. Please feel free to post comments at the end of the pages, either general thoughts or something about a specific poem.
The Duckage thank you for visiting......
Ruth
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